Absurdly Big Adult Joke Book by Johnny Sharpe

Author:Johnny Sharpe
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-84858-612-3
Publisher: Arcturus Publishing Limited
Published: 2011-11-15T16:00:00+00:00

On Honeymoon

The honeymoon couple couldn't wait to get to their bridal suite. As soon as the door closed they tore their clothes off and dived into the bed. But suddenly the bride began to shake.

"I c-c-c-can't help it."

She explained she had a curious ailment which only happened once a year, but it meant she had uncontrollable shakes.

Quickly, the bridegroom had an idea. He rang for room service and asked them to send up four waiters. When they arrived he got them each to take either an arm or a leg and hold her down on the bed. Then he inserted his todger and shouted, "OK, lads, let her go!"

*

It was decided that the newlyweds would spend their honeymoon night with her parents. But the walls were very thin and Mum and Dad were disturbed by all the humping noises.

Eventually the father had a good idea.

"I know," he said, "every time they do it, so will we."

After an hour, the honeymooners went quiet and everyone fell asleep. But two hours later they started again and after 45 minutes, quiet was restored and the parents fell into an exhausted sleep. However, around dawn, activity began again and the father was forced to shout out, "Stop it, you're killing your mother!"

*

A young hillbilly returns alone from his honeymoon and when asked what happened, replies, "I found out she was a virgin, so I shot her."

"Quite right," comes the reply. "If she wasn't good enough for her family then she sure ain't good enough for ours."

*

Chris and Lucy had been courting for three years but they'd never been intimate because he had a wooden leg and could never tell her about it. They decided to get married and on the momentous day, Chris realised he was going to have to tell Lucy the truth, but still he chickened out. That night, when they got into the bedroom, Chris turned to Lucy and said, "Lucy, darling, I've got a big secret and I guess it's time I told you what it was."

With that, he switched off the light, stripped off, and detached his wooden leg. "Here," he whispered, handing her the leg.

"Oooh," she chuckled. "You old devil, now this is what I call a surprise."

*

A young couple got married but on the first night of their honeymoon quarrelled about politics – she's liberal, he's conservative. Sometime later, having turned their backs on each other, she said, "Sweetheart, there's a split in the Liberal Party and I think it's a good time for the Conservative Party to get in."

"Well, it's too damned late. The Conservative stood as an Independent and now he's lost his deposit!"

*

On the morning after their honeymoon night, the husband came down to breakfast to find just a lettuce on his plate.

"What's this?" he asked, puzzled.

"I just wanted to see if you ate like a rabbit too," she replied.

*

A middle-aged couple went to Las Vegas for their second honeymoon, but unfortunately lost all their money gambling and didn't have enough left to pay the hotel bill.

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